I’m incapable of caring or loving

Sometimes I dream about being a good father and a good husband. 

And sometimes it feels really close. 

But then other times it seems silly like it would ruin my whole life. 

And it’s not just a fear of commitment or that 

I’m incapable of caring or loving because…

I can. It’s just that, if I’m totally honest with myself 

I think I’d rather die knowing that I was really good at something. 

That I had excelled in some way than that 

I’d just been in a nice, caring relationship.