Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle.
Thank you for the letter, which I opened and read at 9:17 pm
after my Overeaters Anonymous class.
I am trying to lose weight
because my psychiatrist, Dr Bernard Hazelhof,
says a healthy body equals a healthy mind.
He says my mind is not that healthy.
Your drawing is an interesting visual portrayal of yourself.
I have never met anyone from Australia.
Firstly, I will answer your question.
Unfortunately, in America, babies are not found in cola cans.
I asked my mother when I was four
and she said they came from eggs laid by rabbis.
If you aren't Jewish, they're laid by Catholic nuns.
If you're an atheist, they're laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes.
So this is where babies come from in America.
I share my home with a fish,
some snails, whom I have named after famous scientists...
a parakeet called Mr. Biscuit
and, finally, a cat called Hal.
Hal is an abbreviation from which he suffers.
He followed me home after a gang of children
shot his eye out with a beebee gun.
Do you have a pet kangaroo?
When I was born, my father left my mother and me on a kibbutz.
She shot herself with my uncle's gun when I was six.
Do you like chocolate hotdogs?
I invented the recipe for them and can send it to you.
When I was young, I invented an invisible friend called Mr. Ravioli.
My psychiatrist says I don't need him anymore
so he just sits in the corner and reads.
Last week I picked up 128 cigarette butts.
People are always littering in New York.
I do not understand why people break laws.
Butts are bad because they wash out to sea
and fish smoke them and become nicotine dependent.
I am just joking because, of course,
it is impossible for a cigarette to remain lit underwater.
Also, fish do not have pockets to keep cigarette lighters in.
I am 44 years old
and have 8 tracksuits the same colour and size.
I weigh 352 pounds...
and am as tall as a 6-foot tree.
Welcome to the New York Lottery!
I enjoy entering the lottery
and have chosen the same numbers for 9 years.
- Those numbers are 3... - 1.
- 5... - 4.
- 6... - 25.
- 9... - 2.
- 11... - 7.
- And 12. - 8.
Are you a winner?
Or a loser?
I have had many different jobs during my life.
My first job was collecting subway tokens in the subway.
My second job was at Yiddel's Gourmet Kosher Supplies
where I worked at the machine that made pre-packaged noodle kugels.
I was born Jewish and used to believe in God
but I'am since read many books
that have proven God is just a figment of my imagination.
People like to believe in God
because it answers complicated questions
like where did the universe come from,
do worms go to heaven...
do worms go to heaven...
and why do old ladies have blue hair?
Even though l'm an atheist,
I still wear my yarmulke as it keeps my brain warm.
My third job was for a company that printed logos on novelty items.
I worked at the frisbee printing machine.
A frisbee is a circular plastic disc that people throw at each other.
It is like a boomerang
but it does not come back.
My fourth job was when I was called up for jury duty.
I didn't get paid much but got free cookies and coffee.
Jurors are outstanding members of the community
who haven't murdered anybody.
I made it to the short list
for a trial where a man killed all his friends
at his own surprise birthday party.
Unfortunately, I didn't get selected because they found out
l'd been a mental patient at one point.
Have you ever been hang gliding?
My fifth job was as a garbage collector.
I got to clean up after litterbugs and didn't have to talk to anybody.
Sometimes I used to pretend I was an intergalactical robot.
This is 911. Your call has been placed in a queue.
One time the police took me in for questioning
but let me go when they decided I wasn't a threat to anybody
The sixth job I had was for the United States Army
in the stationery supply department.
Because I am good with numbers
I had to work out how many ballpoint pens the Army needed.
One day they did a security check
and asked whether I was a member of any radical groups.
I told them I was a member of the New York Science Fiction Fan Club.
They said this didn't count but dismissed me anyway.
Fortunately, I did not remember to tell them I was once a communist.
Have you ever been a communist?
Have you ever been attacked by a crow or similar large bird?
When I was 9, a crow attacked me on my way to school.
I had to have three stitches
and in spring I now wear a helmet with eyes I have painted on.
People laugh at me when I wear my helmet.
I'm not sure why.
People often confuse me but I try not to let them worry me.
I would prefer to live somewhere much quieter
New York has all these
especially the smells.
I often wear nose and ear plugs when I go outside.
It helps keep me calm.
I think, however, I will understand and trust you.
You appear very happy and I think you would smell like a shrimp
as I know Australia has a lot of shrimps.
Can you speed-read?
I have taught myself to read two pages at once
one eyeball per page.
I have to go now
even though I have not told you about my 7th job,
in a condom factory.
Write back soon.
Your American friend, Max Jerry Horowitz.
PS. Please find enclosed a photo from one of those booths.
PPS. Thank you for the Cherry Ripe
and I am glad you like chocolate as much as I do.
I have never eaten sweetened condensed milk
but I will try some this week.
PPPS. I have never used a condom.