I always knew it would be like this....

It's a story that might bore you, but you don't have to listen,

because I always knew it was going to be like that.

And it was, I think, in that last year, or weekend

really a Friday in December at Camden and this was years ago, 
when I was a different person

and I was so drunk that I ended up losing my virginity.

I lost it to some guy who I thought was a Ceramics major,

but was actually either a NYU film student

who was just up to Camden for the "End of the World," or a townie.

I actually had my eye on someone else that night... Victor.

"I'm telling you, with European girls,

it's just a numbers game.

If you stand in any major European city on any fucking corner,

and consecutively ask every girl that walks by if she'll fuck you,

one out of 20 will say "yes."

A junior, a Drama major, just back from Europe...
only a little gay, with flecked blond hair,

a great body and these amazing gray eyes.

"Bam-- 20th one, you're fucking. Right there.

It's a confirmed statistic, my man."

But Victor was fucking my roommate, Lara.

She gave him mono before he dumped her.

I'm told that later, after I left Camden,

she got really drunk and went wandering through Windham House,

and did the whole football team.

She's now married to a senator and has four kids.

How time distorts things.

"So you know the movie I'm talking about?

It was wrongfully labeled "A Tarantino Film,"

even though he was just credited as executive producer."

So this guy from NYU, or whatever who wasn't even a 
good Victor facsimile and I were talking on this ratty old couch.

"I'm sure you've seen this movie, this Russian classic,

- "The Man with the Camera"? - Yep, yep."

I kept agreeing with his likes and dislikes, 
all the time thinkingthat while he might not be Victor, 
he was cute enough.

I was sure that I was mispronouncing all these filmmakers' names,

remembering all the wrong actors,

naming the wrong cinematographers, but I wanted him.

"I see the same kind of "silent movie actress" quality.

Seriously, has anyone ever told you you look like Clara Bow?

Because you do, I'm serious. I'm telling you.

I know these things, and... and...."

I could see that his gaze was drifting towards Kristin Notneff.

And she was looking back at him with confidence, because she knew

that underneath her clothes she was wearing a black bra

with matching black lace panties, which I wasn't.

"Um, I'm sorry, what was I talking about?"

But I had the next best thing.

"I've got a joint in my room."

Except it wasn't my room. It was Lorna Slavin's room,

who was off-campus at her boyfriend's house,

probably swallowing his DNA.

And I didn't have a joint either,

and if I did, I didn't know where it was,

because it would have been Lorna Slavin's joint.

He wouldn't have cared if I had one or not.

I must have passed out around then.

When I came to, he was already fucking me,

but he didn't know that I was a virgin and that it hurt.

Not that badly...only a little bit of sharp pain,

but not as bad as I had been taught to expect

but not exactly pleasant, either.

That's when I heard another voice in the room.

"Now, I want you to do her like Ron Jeremy would"

I remember the weight on the bed shifting,

and realizing that this person behind me

wasn't the NYU film student guy, but somebody else.

Oh, my God, it was some townie.

I had actually lost my virginity to a townie.

This wouldn't have happened with Victor.

He would have taken me gently in his big, 
strong Drama major arms,

and undressed me quietly and expertly,

taken my bra off with grace and ease.

And it probably wouldn't have hurt.

I should have given myself to Victor last term when I had the chance.

" - Dude, we had to put the keg somewhere. - "

" - Don't put it there, it's blocking my shot...

Now get the fuck out of here before you ruin my movie."

I always knew it would be like this...